It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, Justin, woke up in a lemur-infested moor. It was the fourth time it had happened. Feeling really relieved, Justin grabbed a carrot, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, he realized that his beloved penis was missing! Immediately he called his favorite Mormon, Sammy. Justin had known Sammy for (plus or minus) 11,000 years, the majority of which were saucy ones. Sammy was unique. He was clever though sometimes a little... abrasive. Justin called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Sammy picked up to a very angry Justin. Sammy calmly assured him that most man-eating capybaras cringe before mating, yet disease-carrying chipmunks usually charismatically sigh *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Justin. Why was Sammy trying to distract Justin? Because he had snuck out from Justin's with the penis only eleven days prior. It was a striking little penis... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Justin got back to the subject at hand: his penis. Sammy panicked. Relunctantly, Sammy invited him over, assuring him they'd find the penis. Justin grabbed his hippopotamus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Sammy realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the penis and he had to do it fearlessly. He figured that if Justin took the magic flying carpet, he had take at least nine minutes before Justin would get there. But if he took the Bossmobile? Then Sammy would be excessively screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Sammy was interrupted by seven insensitive PedoBears that were lured by his penis. Sammy grimaced; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling relieved, he thoughtfully reached for his dull pencil and carefully hit every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the lemur-infested moor, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Bossmobile rolling up. It was Justin.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Jim's House of Wings to pick up a 12-pack of carrots, so he knew he was running late. With a hasty leap, Justin was out of the Bossmobile and went explosively jaunting toward Sammy's front door. Meanwhile inside, Sammy was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the penis into a box of dangerous oil-soaked rags and then slid the box behind his refrigerator. Sammy was displeased but at least the penis was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Sammy exotically purred. With a inept push, Justin opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some pestering coke fiend in a curb-jumping ghetto sled (Impala),' he lied. 'It's fine,' Sammy assured him. Justin took a seat exotically proximate to where Sammy had hidden the penis. Sammy turned red trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Justin was distracted. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, Sammy noticed a oafish look on Justin's face. Justin slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Sammy felt a stabbing pain in his double chin when Justin asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the penis right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A abrasive look started to form on Justin's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's carrots from when she used to have pet long-haired sea monkeys. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Justin nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Sammy could react, Justin carefully lunged toward the box and opened it. The penis was plainly in view.
Justin stared at Sammy for what what must've been four microseconds. A few freaknasty minutes later, Sammy groped indiscriminately in Justin's direction, clearly desperate. Justin grabbed the penis and bolted for the door. It was locked. Sammy let out a curious chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Justin,' he rebuked. Sammy always had been a little pestering, so Justin knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Sammy did something crazy, like... start chucking ripened avocados at him or something. Ever so extemperaneously, he gripped his penis tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Justin was struggling to make his way through the secret vineyard behind Sammy's place. Justin had severely hurt his fingernail during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral PedoBears suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the penis. One by one they latched on to Justin. Already weakened from his injury, Justin yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of PedoBears running off with his penis.
But then God came down with His intelligent smile and restored Justin's penis. Feeling displeased, God smote the PedoBears for their injustice. Then He got in His homemade car and sped away with the fortitude of 153 disease-carrying chipmunks running from a little pack of disease-carrying chipmunks. Justin skipped with joy when he saw this. His penis was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in nine minutes his favorite TV show, Big Time Rush, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When disease-carrying chipmunks meet gun'). Justin was excited. And so, everyone except Sammy and a few unborn fetus-toting South American hissing sloths lived blissfully happy, forever after.
